[Volume III may be found here: http://darksidelawyer.posterous.com/comment-the-dark-side-dialogs-volume-iii-thre. A link to Volume II may be found in Volume III as well as on my Posterous home page.]
Prefatory note: Personally, in my opinion, AA is bullshit. Actually, I should clarify; AA is much like communism: sounds great, full of problems. For me, AA in practice is mostly bullshit, and AA in theory is partially bullshit. I believe 12-step programs can be extremely helpful for some people. For others, they become just another venue for espousing dogmatic tenents. In addition, the tendency for many AA programs to become intertwined with evangelical Christianity is, for me, an abrogation of some of the fundamental principles of AA. And then there are the juvenile social peccadillos that seem to plague many AA meetings. Please keep in mind that these are my personal opinions and are not meant to besmirch anyone's experiences or successes with AA or recovery or 12-step programs. And, in any event, this is not the day for excoriating AA (by now you know what's coming: other topics for other posts). With that being said, let us begin so that we may wrap up this four-part vignette.
My first encounter with AA was a meeting with another local attorney in "the program." He was 25 years my senior, and I think he had been in recovery for the past 10 years or so. I think meeting with another attorney made things a little easier for me as we had certain inherent commonalities. The meeting was lke a "lite" version of my telephone conversation with the Director. He was extremely open, frank and honest. If you thought lawyers were brutally honest at times, alcoholic lawyers level that shit up exponentially. As we wrapped up, he invited me to join him at one of his regular meetings, the legendary Wednesday night Men's Stag.
The Men's Stag was pretty much like most other AA meetings I attended subsequently, though the numbers of attendees was definitely higher. And, of course, being a Men's Stag, there were no women. Some jeanyouse came up with the idea that not having women there would enhance the experience on some level and improve the recovery process. However, remember that this was before YouPorn and RedTube, so any veiled homoeroticism had to be confined to events such as this.
Anyway, after all of the "My name is ______ and I am a ______" introductions, we had a rousing presentation (based on passages from "The Big Book") from one of the area's more noteable speakers. Oh, and there was a period for assisting anyone who needed to have their card signed (that is, those who needed to prove to a court that they attended the requisite number of AA meetings in a specific timeframe as mandated by court order). Then, the attorney who invited me had me stand up in front of everyone so that I could get a round of applause for being so brave and so that I could receive a "chip" to commemorate X days sober. I am not a big fan of such displays, but I understood that some people find the peer validation to be an essential support mechanism, and I did not want to be rude, so I smiled, took my chip and thanked everyone.
Over the next few months, I performed all of the actions of the dutiful alcoholic. I purchased "The Big Book," "The Little Book," "The Little Red Book" and a "When and Where" guide (a listing of all regular area AA meetings). I memorized the "Serenity Prayer" and the "Lord's Prayer." I tried to go to at least two meetings a week. The Men's Stag was good as I could hit it on the way home from work. I also liked the weekly lawyers-only meeting because it was over lunch at an area family-owned steakhouse and because we could talk shop. Also, this meeting was much smaller, and the Director would show up every now and then (he really is a nice guy). The Friday midnight meeting was good as well as it was done by candlelight.
I began "working the program" and "working the steps" (although this was never my strong suit in AA, but we will cover that in another post). Most importantly, I spent a lot of time listening. Occasionally I would make comments. I even led a couple of meetings. But mostly I listened to other people and their struggles. Now, I do not want to make light of my own poor judgment when it came to alcohol, but I met a bunch of FUCKED UP people in AA that made my perodic binge drinking seem like Tuesday lunch for them. However, I was quick to recognize (and remain ever-cognizant of the fact) that the trip from my worst to their worst was a short one, indeed. Scared straight works on occasion, you know.
More importantly, I knew that my wife felt better knowing that I was sticking with my promise. Oddly enough, we never talked about AA or the "not drinking thing" in earnest very much. Maybe she just considered it a given that I knew el drink-o would result el divorce-o. Maybe she felt like she needed to give me space. Maybe she presumed I would talk to my father about AA stuff since we were both attending meetings at that time. Maybe we were just good, suburban WASPs at heart. You know, all good, suburban WASPs come with software pre-installed that allows them to act completely oblivious to uncomfortable subjects without skipping even the slightest beat. Whatever the reason, it was not much a topic for discussion at home or in mixed company, though some people would tell me how poroud they were of me going to AA (mainly relatives--my AA activities were kept anonymous professionally and socially--but only when they were at least halfway in the bag).
Ultimately, I went to AA for about a year. I stopped going for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, I found that I did not have an unquenchable desire to drink. True, when I did drink I had no desire to stop drinking until I was at Obliteration Factor 10, Mr. Sulu, but I never had the desire to run to the bottle anytime life handed me a setback. So much of what AA was geared to address did not apply to me. Second, I was getting ready to change jobs (moving to my current firm). I knew the demands on my time would be grater, and AA just was not as important as other commitments. Third, one of the attorneys at the lawyers' meeting said something about AA that really resonated with me. "At some point, your life has to be for living, not for attending AA meetings." I took that to mean recovery does you no good if all you do is talk about recovery in recovery meetings.
AA brought me no epiphanies. There were no angels singing from on high, no cracks opening before me showing the way to Hades. I did not complete more than half of the 12 steps. But, for me, I got to where I needed to be. Happy mediums and I seldom get along (hence the quote on my Posterous home page). Unfortunately, this means some people have been hurt along the way. For some, I have made amends where I deemed remedial action necessary. For others, they can still go to hell and die because that is what I deemed they deserve. But AA did help me stop drinking, so I cannot bemoan the effectiveness of AA even if I do not agree with all of its theories or practices.
I admit that I do not believe in "God" in the traditional Christian religious sense. I do believe in a higher power (a fundamental AA concept), but, for me, that higher power is far more elusive and esoteric than some guy--or gal--in a chair watching over all of us like some sadistic claymation director. In fact, my concept is even more elusive than Higgs-Boson particles or gravitons. Part of my belief in a higher power incorporates the concept of karma. And part of my belief lies in the beauty and majesty and purpose of the universe (again, without the need for even Aquinas' "First Mover").
So, yes, on some level, I do believe that things happen for a reason. If nothing else, I have some empirical evidence, though the sample size may be statistically insignificant. My wife and I had been trying to conceive for about a year and a half or so with no success. I even had to subject myself to the joys of certain urological testing (THAT will make a great post one day, especially since my "ammo" was up to specs!). Our son was conceived shortly after I stopped drinking. That is all the proof I need that I made a correct decision.
It gives me a certain degree of satisfaction and comfort to know that my son will never see me drunk. I am an irresponsible drinker and a bad drunk. Really bad. Really, REALLY bad. Certainly nothing most adults should have to endure, much less an innocent child who did not get to choose his parents. The only feeling that comes close to that satisfaction is knowing that the other little Dead Head soon to be joining Team Dark Side will be accorded the same deference and respect.
(Yes, another masterpiece from @oldglorytees! The shirt, I mean, unless all the genetic testing was mistaken. As Maury would say, "You ARE the father!")
Along that same line of thought, if I do disappear unexpectedly sometime in the next few weeks, please do not be alarmed. The absence will be temporary but, I think you will agree, necessary.
I do not know what the future will bring. Well, actually, I do know some of what the future will bring. That is why I have been intentionally continuing the December sleep-deprivation during the past six weeks. And cutting back to three days a week at the gym. Oh, and I am going to buy a shotgun so I have something to clean in my living room/driveway in about 10 or 12 years. Maybe a Bowie knife and a whetstone, too. But, whatever may come, it will be entertaining. So, please feel free to join me as I get ready to do this all over again.
[This entry is dedicated to the two who, despite our best efforts, were not fortunate enough to make it all the way. Though I never really knew you, you are and shall forever remain missed each and every day.]
