This post is going to be completely different than how I thought it would play out when I was outlining the same in my head on my way to work today. Thankfully, life insists on finding a way to keep things interesting.

So, I had my annual "evaluation" this morning. I am using quotes because the true evaluation came last Friday when annual bonuses and distributions were handed out. If you are doing well (or, rather, PERCEIVED as doing well--see http://darksidelawyer.posterous.com/from-a-particular-point-of-view for a brief discussion of perception as reality), you get paid, plain and simple. There is a simple reality to it all, actually.

In fact, the finance industry does have a simple reality. I have tried to explain to people that money is neither moral or immoral. Money is amoral. Which makes it better and worse on several levels. Like some other things, money serves the will of the those who possess and control it. Remember the Golden Rule: the one with the gold makes the rules. So all that I ask is that you refrain from making value judgments about the finance industry in general. Value judgments about people within the industry are more than welcome, if not encouraged, however.

Back to my evaluation. I have already discussed 2010 at some length with my boss ("direct report" for you org chart types), so I really saw no need for the additional exercise of sitting down with the Big Cheese to discuss matters in more detail. In fact, I was loathing things more than usual this year. The Big Cheese is one of those "tough love" types who cannot seem to pass out a compliment without immediately following the same up with a "but" statement. For example, "We had a good year, BUT this year will be a challenge."

Despite the assurrances from my boss that he was really pressing the Big Cheese not to say anything even mildly critical (we DID have one of the most-profitable years ever in 2010, troubled economy notwithstanding), I was expecting more of the same shit. My cash collected was lower in 2010 than 2009. Work was exceptionally slow the first half of the year, and accounting fucked up getting some bills collected in a timely manner. Again, the purity of the industry: at the end of the day (or year, rather), you want the number in the box on the lower righthand cell of the spreadsheet to be bigger, plain and simple. Bigger number = success; smaller number = failure.

So, after the perfunctory banter, we had the actual Q&A portion that constitutes the evaluation. Normally this is just a bunch of corporate talk, one-liners and similar wastes of my time. However, much to my surprise, the Big Cheese was not engaging in the usual game of hedging positive comments. So, once I confirmed that I had not been sucked into The Matrix (again), Igot over the shock of not having the same bullshit discussion about the same bullshit (non-)topics. 

The following observations were made by the Big Cheese and my boss during the 15 minutes or so of actual evaluation:

• First, they were concerned with my level of disengagement during the first half of the year; I believe phrases such as, "It is good to have you back." were uttered. Honestly, yes, I did ponder doing something else with my life during the first half doldrums.

• Second, there were some points leading up to early November where I exhibited a certain unhappiness with the amount of work (too much) on my desk. I did save the e-mails that back up this observation, so score a point to management for getting it right.

• Third, somewhere in November, I hit a tipping point (note: if you have not read "Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell, or any other of his books, I implore you to do so as soon as possible; he is the best non-fiction writer in the world right now, in my baseless opinion) where it was like flipping an off-on switch, night-and-day, [insert polar opposites analogy of your choosing here]. The nature, quality and volume of my work was beyond all expectations that The Firm could have. More on this below.

So, here is the ugly truth to it all. I have the "moral ambiguity" necessary to survive in this industry. Nay, I have a level of "moral ambiguity" which tends to be a predictor of success in this industry. To paraphrase "Fletch", my "grey area" is "charcoal-colored". Evidently, as a result of the economic slowdown in 2008, 2009 and the first half of 2010 (and the corresponding reduction in volume of legal work), I had forgotten this skill, or, rather, this aspect of my nature. Worse, the slowdown in work had made me weak. When work started to pick up, my initial response was to fight the "inconvenience" of having paying work that needed to be done. I had gone soft. I became Buster Douglas after beating Tyson in Japan.

To put it another way, on a professional level, I am a killer. A calculating, conniving, cold-blodded killer. The "shark" iconography to which many of you are accustomed for my profession may be slightly misplaced, but the characteristics of the creature are appropriate nonetheless. To succeed in this industry, you have to have a certain bloodlust. You have to savor the thrill of the chase. You have to revel in the glorious finality of the kill. 

Some of this is existential, so I must apologize if my words do not convey adequately the meaning or feeling intended. The concepts are extremely abstract unless and until you have experienced the complete and utter euphoria of closing a deal under the most hostile and adverse circumstances. The experience is near orgasmic, especially the crescendo of emotions that come into play when the finish line is in sight. It is sometimes overwhelming to know that your performance determines whether other people (client contacts) succeed at their jobs, get paid or even keep their jobs in some extreme instances, but even those considerations fall by the wayside. The deal is the be-all, end-all of the universe as you know it.

I really wish I could capture in a bottle what it is like to be completely locked in--full predator mode engaged; challenge accepted; game on--to the point where time slows down to a crawl. Every decision can be correctly made without even thinking once about it, much less twice. You know what the answers before the questions are even asked. In certain cases, your sheer force of will alone causes others to bend as you wish. I gather this is what the Zen practitioners call "being in The Moment."

More importantly for me, I was reminded that I am (once again) who I (once) thought I was (hat tip, Dennis Green). Humanity has no place at the inhumanity buffet that constitutes my job. Don't try to change it. Don't apologize for it. Don't do anything. It is neither good nor bad; it just is. The simple reality of amorality. Or, to quote Aristotle, "Law is mind without reason." Don't overthink it. In fact, don't think it at all. Just do what you are trained to do, what you do best. In fact, is that not how Plato (Aristotle's mentor) defined a "just" society, namely, people doing what they do best? Well, this cactus, for one, is happy to know he has a home.

Your faithful--albeit unapologetically amoral--shark.